No-Class Class of 2014 members (from left) Winston, Hernandez, Rice, and Incognito
With the NBA desperately trying to purge every trace of ex-Clippers owner Donald Sterling, this is the perfect time to catalog the men in sports right now who surpass normal shitbaggery to achieve a kind of Trump-like transcendence. Thanks to the Internet—and the occasional TMZ leak—we can see every last molecule of slime. We can also see that these men are often not very good at their jobs. So come and meet them, presented here in no particular order. Keep some Purell handy.
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1. Donald Sterling
The standard-bearer for all worldwide sleaziness. Racist? Yes. Cheap? Oh yes. Horny Neanderthal? Oh God, yes, yes! A landlord? Check—and by the way, if you
don’t have a check for him and you are a Latino, he will evict you three days early. He’s like a Voltron of shitbags fused together. This is a man who once
negotiated buying a fur coat for a mistress in front of the mistress’s mom. There is no introspection with Donald Sterling. There is no remorse. There is
no shred of decency tucked inside of him that will engender some measure of sympathy. There is only this, taken from his deposition: “If you are
having sex with a woman you are paying for, you always call her honey because you can’t remember her name.” Pure class, kids. 
2. Aaron Hernandez
Allegedly murdered three people, two of them over a spilled drink. Allegedly got a tattoo commemorating that double murder. (He can rub it and always
reminisce about avenging that lost G&T.) Allegedly invited a friend for a car ride specifically to kill him. Allegedly beat a handcuffed inmate
while he was in jail. But look, you can take all of that away and the ex-Patriots tight end would still be a scumbag. Let’s go back in time to 2007, when
he was still in college. We’re in a Gainesville, Florida, restaurant and Hernandez is refusing to pay his tab, because of course. A bouncer confronts
Hernandez and is rewarded with a punch from behind to the head, which ruptures his eardrum. Tim Tebow—Hernandez’s Gators teammate—is in the restaurant, but
even He cannot use His magic Jesus powers to stop Hernandez from being an unhinged psychopath.
3. Sepp Blatter
All it took was $5 million and a fancy sketch of a hovering air conditioner for the FIFA president and his board to bestow hosting duties for the 2022
World Cup upon Qatar, a nation that treats its migrant workers worse than Germany treated Brazil in its 2014 Cup debacle. Will Blatter answer for this? Of
course not. Blatter is so unbeholden to any form of international law or common decency that he can simply rampage from country to country, looting coffers
and shitting on poor people as he pleases. He is a walking nightmare of diplomatic immunity.
4. Isiah Thomas
That smile. That oily, drippy, disingenuous smile. It’s the kind of smile that lets you know Isiah just got back from grabbing your wife’s ass. Isiah has
such a long history of gross behavior (sexual harassment, bankrupting an entire basketball league, being friends with James Dolan) that we only have space
here to give you a taste of his oeuvre. And here is that taste: While sexually harassing a Knicks exec, Isiah compared his feelings for her to the movie
Love & Basketball. Ewwwww. Who would fall for that? Jesus.
5. Chad Curtis
The imprisoned ex-outfielder molested a 15-year-old girl and then told the girl that they should write a book together to prevent future grown men
from being seduced by 15-year-old girls. It goes without saying that he once played for the Yankees.
6. Tiki Barber
The thing about Tiki is that, for a long time, no one knew what a shady fucker he was. Here’s a quote about him from Sports Illustrated back in 2006: “Tiki
wants America to wake up to Tiki, not to Matt Lauer.” Oh God, can you imagine waking up to Tiki now? The guy who banged an NBC intern while his then wife
was pregnant? That is an awful morning. Fun fact: While Barber was ditching his wife, he and his mistress hid from the media in his agent’s attic. Did
Barber use an Anne Frank analogy* to describe this situation? Of course he did.
7. War Machine
Unfamiliar with the MMA fighter born Jonathan Koppenhaver? Allow us to introduce you! He’s been thrown in jail multiple times for multiple bar
fights in multiple states. He once joked on Twitter about raping his porn-star ex-girlfriend Christy Mack. He got kicked out of the UFC, then got kicked out of the porn
business after going on a rampage at an industry pool party. This summer,
he went on the lam after allegedly beating Mack half to death
and was tracked down by the cops hiding out in a Simi Valley extended-stay hotel. He currently runs a clothing shop called Alpha Male Shit, where you can buy T-shirts with
inspirational messages on them, such as I DO ALPHA MALE SHIT. You can also buy a shirt with “Don’t Be a Pussy” written backward on it. Why is it backward?
Because I’m tailgating you with my motorcycle—NOW OUTTA MY WAY, PUSSY!
8. Dana White
Turns out underpaying your UFC employees, bullying rivals, and generally impersonating Don King as a bald white guy doesn’t do wonders for your charisma!
9. Lance Armstrong
He’s not sorry. Watch any post-scandal interview and it’s obvious that Armstrong feels that everything he did—all the cheating, all the lying, all the
life-destroying of anyone who crossed him—was justified in his ascent to becoming Cancer Jesus. “People are going to call bullshit on this,” he told
ESPN this year, “but I’ve never been happier.” Oh well, thank God you found peace and happiness. Asshole.
10. Bobby Petrino
Want to become the perfect embodiment of a good-ol’-boy shitbag football coach? First, ditch your pro team (the Atlanta Falcons) for a college job without
telling anyone you’re leaving. Then hire an underqualified woman to work on your staff just so you can fuck her. Then take a motorcycle ride with
your new mistress and crash the bike. Then refuse to call 911 in a last-ditch attempt to cover your ass. Congratulations! Louisville has a seven-year
contract waiting for you.
Possibly the worst thing about Donald Sterling: Walks around nude, like, constantly.
11. J. R. Smith
The Knicks shooting guard will sneakily untie your shoes on the court, jack up an air ball, and ask your mom for a hand job over Instagram. He’s a charmer—until you remember that he once killed a friend in a car accident and served thirty days in jail. Kinda ruins it.
12. Ray Rice
Earlier this year, the former Ravens running back knocked his wife unconscious and dragged her body out of an elevator. And he couldn’t even bring himself to drag
her all the way out of the elevator. He left her with her feet caught in the doorway; he was that inconsiderate. His apology was almost
as awful: “I won’t call myself a failure. Failure is not getting knocked down. It’s not getting up… I want you to
know that I’m still the Ray Rice that you know, or used to know, or grown
to love.” This is what separates the Ray Rices of the world from your standard, everyday creeps: a remarkable ability
to victimize themselves while victimizing others. Folks, do not judge Ray Rice until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, presumably while dragging your wife
behind you.
*After noting that his agent, Mark Lepselter, was Jewish, Barber told SI that his attic retreat “was like a reverse Anne Frank thing.”