Handicapping Baseball’s Mascot Races – Wall Street Journal

If you’ve been to a Major League Baseball game recently, chances are you’ve seen an increasingly popular competition within the game: the mascot race.

But as the ballpark experience has become a blur of sprinting, costumed characters—ranging from ex-players to ex-presidents, sausages to sodas, and a paint brush to a toothbrush—one all-important question has remained unexplored: Which team boasts the fastest mascots?

To find out, the Count examined a random sample of video of nearly every team’s mascot race and clocked the winning time in each. Then, using Google Earth software and satellite images of every ballpark, we measured the approximate length of every race, using time and distance to calculate the winning pace in each race.

The result is a comprehensive ranking of baseball’s racing mascots.

1. Brewers – 20.3 feet per second

What St. Andrews is to golf, Milwaukee is to racing processed meats. The Brewers started their iconic sausage races in the 1990s and are the league’s reigning powerhouse.

2. Twins– 19.1

Minnesota’s animal mascots should actually be faster, given their tremendous raw speed. But their clothes are ill-suited for athletics (the walleye runs in a mini dress), and their form is far from textbook, with some mascots clinging to their giant foam heads.

3. Athletics – 17.4

The Rickey Henderson mascot should trounce the

Dennis Eckersley

and Rollie Fingers mascots every night, but he’s too nonchalant to dominate. He races in sunglasses even during night games—oversize Rickey being oversize Rickey.

4. Pirates– 16.9

The racing pierogies don’t look very fit, but their doughy physiques belie their agility. Who knew potato dumplings could move like this?

5. Reds– 16.4

Mr. Red and his baseball-headed family members can run, but the portly, nondescript furry thing they call Gapper is a drag on the group.

6. Indians– 15.1

What Cleveland’s hot-dog derby lacks in cleverly conceived mascots (Ketchup, Mustard and Onion) it makes up for with aerodynamic costumes. The buns may not look thin, but compared with what other mascots have to run in, they’re like the controversial full-body suits worn by Olympic swimmers in 2008.

7. Rays– 15.0

Proponents of a ban on sugary drinks will no doubt point to the Rays’ soda-bottle race. The shortest mascot race in the majors (estimated based on ballpark dimensions), it requires little endurance and has no turns, yet even still, the beverages never pick up much speed.

8. Marlins– 14.5

The running sea creatures are highly productive, modestly well paid and beloved by fans, which means only one thing: Owner

Jeffrey Loria

is about to trade them for amphibious prospects.

9. Diamondbacks– 13.5

A “legends” race is a bit presumptive for a franchise that began play in 1998, but the Randy Johnson mascot’s enormous, dangling mullet is a sight to behold.

10. Nationals– 12.9

The presidents race is exceptionally fast considering the youngest contestant, Theodore Roosevelt, is 156 years old, but it can be dirtier than politics. Roosevelt, who famously remained winless for nearly seven years, was once disqualified for using a golf cart.

11. Rangers– 12.0

The Texas legends race is a reminder of that old running adage: it’s hard to pick up speed while wielding lethal weapons. The race includes a Davey Crockett who runs with a long rifle and a Jim Bowie who runs with a large fighting knife.

12. Royals– 10.2

Kansas City’s hot-dog derby is as unimaginative as Cleveland’s, only slower. Then again, some years the Relish has a better winning percentage than the Royals.

13. Braves– 10.0

Atlanta sold its soul to Home Depot, which sponsors its tools race, and the results aren’t pretty. The hammer, drill and paintbrush fall all over the place—usually when one pummels another—and the saw once had to be carried off in a stretcher.

Unranked:Tigers, Rockies, White Sox

There is no video available online for these three teams. It’s unclear where the Tigers’ racing cars and Chicago’s racing broadcasters would rank, but the Rockies should be in last for their race: a “tooth trot” between dental hygiene tools sponsored by—you guessed it—a dental corporate sponsor.

Write to Brian Costa at brian.costa@wsj.com